


The Field By the Sea

by synopsis



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:20:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28132305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/synopsis/pseuds/synopsis
Summary: Months after the battle, a desperate Lucien demands to see Elain, and she agrees to speak with him.
Relationships: Elain Archeron/Azriel
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	The Field By the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> I just read the entire series, and now I'm continuing the fresh obsession with fanfiction instead of working on my novel that's due next month. Ha. 
> 
> Not beta'ed, written in a rush. Typos all mine. Standard disclaimer.

"I need to speak with her."  


I pressed my temples, hoping to stave off the headache quickly approaching. Lucien was at the town home's door again, and I didn't have the courage to speak with him, to confront the pull I unwillingly felt towards him. Everything had been taken from me, and I've been trying to take it with as much grace as I can muster but the bond is too much.  


It's been months since the final battle, since the shadowsinger gave me Truth-Teller and I used it to protect my sister. I love flowers, gardening, creating life. And in that moment, I chose violence. Nesta may have finished Hybern, and I'm glad he's dead. I didn't even get a single drop of blood on me. I felt covered in it though.  


After the battle, after hearing Feyre's broken screams, after seeing Cassian's broken body and Nesta colder and more isolated than before--all I could do was push Truth-Teller back into Azriel's hands and run and hide. Nesta looked to me first, but I told her I was unhurt, just tired, so she retreated back to the male who'd nearly died for her.  


I'd barely made it to the edge of camp by our tents before the tears came. And then I fell to my knees and threw up, retching when nothing was left, the sobs never subsiding.  


I never wanted any of this. I wasn't supposed to be around battles and death. I wasn't supposed to stab a male through his throat.  


Familiar scarred hands wrapped with shadowy wisps scooped my hair back, and that small kindness made the sobs worse. I was breaking when so many others experienced worse and were holding it together.  


Azriel pulled me into his arms, his wings wrapping around us and hiding me from the world. Wings that were injured and bandaged because he'd rescued me. He didn't say anything as he held me to his chest, letting me cry. When I could finally speak, my voice was raw and hoarse, and barely above a whisper.  


"I just wanted to tend my flowers."  


His arms tightened around me, no ridicule coming from him at my confession of weakness. He'd taken me to his tent, I found out later, and gave me a tonic hidden in tea that forced me into a deep sleep. When I woke up again, it was to the sounds of birdsong from my window. And the sound of Lucien's voice asking about me.  


He'd come every other day for a week, before he'd left for the mortal realms with Vessa and Jurian. I'd hoped, futilely, that the distance would break our bond. So I wouldn't have to tell him I couldn't. I couldn't let one more choice be taken from me. And I could never chose him.  


He hadn't helped me pick up the lost pieces of myself when no one else saw I was broken. He hadn't delivered beautiful or interesting flowers for my garden. He hadn't sat quietly with me in the sun, surrounded by wildflowers overlooking the ocean, never judging me for the tears scalding my cheeks.  


He wasn't the broken warrior I saw in my nightmares in Cassian's place, Hybern about to strike a killing blow.  


Yet Lucian was here again, and Freyre kept trying to get him to leave.  


"Please, Feyre--it's fucking important. I wouldn't have come otherwise."  


The desperation in Lucien's tugged at my heart but not through the bond. I could never turn away someone with such desperation in their voice. I left my room, closing the door loud enough that they could hear it and when I got to the stairwell, both my sister and Lucien looked up at me.  


"It's okay," I told her, as I willed myself to walk down the stairs without my knees buckling. "Can you bring us some tea?"  


Feyre still hadn't moved from the doorway where she blocked my mate. The red headed male looked at me with hope, even his bronze eye somehow conveying it. I'm thankful Azriel wasn't here. If he was, I would have hidden behind him again, and refused to face Lucien.  


"You don't have to do this," Feyre said, not bothering to whisper. I knew the two had been slowly repairing their friendship, but Feyre would always choose me over him.  


I gave her a wan smile and looked at the male on the doorstep. "Shall we?" Without waiting for a response, I walked into the sitting room. I couldn't take a seat, so I moved to the window and stared out at my garden and longed for shadows. I always knew when he was close by, and not just because I was now a Seer. It was like the shadows grew thicker, more embracing. Darker yes, but a darkness that I could be myself in.  


I turned to Lucien, who hadn't sat either, and I realized that he was wringing a hat in his hands as he stared at the floor. He was dressed well, but he always was. No battle leathers for him. He wore a red brocade jacket, the color of flames, and golden buttons shined brightly, his cream colored pants spotless, and they disappeared into high black boots. If it weren't for his ears, and his fae glow, I'd have thought he was mortal. And if I'd met him as a mortal, maybe he'd be everything I wanted.  


Even now the bond tugged at me, telling me to go to him. I opened my mouth to speak--  


"I need you to break the bond."  


I snapped my mouth shut, the sound loud enough to draw his attention. His eyes met mine and words began tumbling out.  


"I know I kept asking you to try, that I wanted to see if we could work," he said. "And I did that because I was selfish. And now I'm asking you to break the bond, since I can't, for selfish reasons again. I--I--I'm in love, Elain. And it's not with you."  


Bubbles and butterflies and swirling petals filled me as I processed his words. Then I laughed. Lightly at first, barely a hiccup, perfectly polite. But it grew, and grew until I struggled to breath. Lucien looked at me in confusion, as if I'd gone mad like my sisters had thought when I was first Made.  


"I'm sorry," I said between gulps of breath. I collapsed in the chair closet to me, my knees weak with relief. I composed myself, a hand at my neck, like I could physically keep the laughter at bay. "It's just not what I was expecting." I met his eyes, his carefully guarded eyes as if he were worried I would now suddenly demand we stay bonded.  


"I'm so happy for you, Lucien," I told him with complete sincerity, and relief coursed through him visibly until he sat too, a wry smile twisting his lips. "Tell me, how do I break it?"  


"It's pretty simple, actually," Lucien said. "All you have to say is that you refuse the bond with me, and I have to accept your decision. Most, uh, males won't accept their partner's choice."  


Males and men--cads in every realm. I took a breath, squaring my shoulders, and with a smile so big my cheeks ached I met his eyes.  


"Lucien, I refuse our mating bond."  


Time stretched heartbeats to minutes as fear that this was a ploy crept into my heart. But there were shadows there, reminding me that I had broken but that I was strong, in my own way.  


"Elain, I accept your refusal," Lucien said with a matching smile.  


Like that, the tug drifted away without pain. I put a hand to my chest, and he mirrored the movement before our eyes caught and we shared a quiet laugh. He rose, putting his hat back on, and looked at me. "I hope to be your friend one day, Elain."  


"I think I'd like that," I answered softly.  


And then Lucien, my former mate, left.  


I rose and moved to the kitchen, where Feyre wasn't even bothering to act like she was making tea. She was leaning against the counter, her face growing dark with worry as I grinned at her.  


"Tell me you didn't--"  


"We broke the bond," I interrupted, smiling harder. "He's fallen in love. That's why he came back, to ask me to release him."  


She looked as if she wanted to cross the room and hug me, but I was leaving before she could move. Hurrying up to my rooms, I felt a relief and easiness of heart that I hadn't since before our mother died. I ran to my dresser, throwing open the doors and hunted for the perfect dress.  


The sky blue gown flowed around my legs before hugging my stomach and chest. It was sleeveless, but there was a loose cowl of fabric that settled just over my shoulders, enough to give me a sense of modesty while still framing my collar bones and it revealed enough cleavage that I blushed. It was nothing as revealing as some of the gowns my sisters wore, but I already felt enough stares without needing to add to it.  


I quickly plaited my hair in a simple braid before running back out of my room--where I met a confused Feyre halfway down the stairs. "Can you winnow me to that field of wildflowers?"  


Feyre took in my outfit and I refused to blush or adjust the cowl to cover more of my chest. Her lips turned up in a knowing smirk. "Of course. Now?"  


I nodded and she stretched out her hand. In heartbeats, we were in the fields, the wildflowers almost ready to give way to the changing of the seasons. The fragrance of the last of the flowers mixed with the salt carried by the wind from the sea. Feyre left after a gentle touch to my hand. I didn't turn back, words trapped in my throat. When she was gone, I realized I should have asked her to send Azriel here, but I knew he'd come here eventually when he couldn't find me at the townhouse. We'd spent nearly every afternoon together when he wasn't out of the city, working for Rhys.  


I wanted the time to think of everything I wanted to say to him. How I wanted to thank him for helping me find the pieces of myself so I could put myself together again. He hadn't fixed me, not like Nesta and Feyre tried to do in the beginning. He simply helped me look for the pieces I'd lost and was there to guide me if I stumbled.  


A vision took over, Azriel appearing in the sky. I wasn't in the fields anymore--I was on the rooftop of a house, lounging comfortably in the warm sun. When he landed, I didn't get up, instead letting him walk over to me and place a kiss on my lips, before moving to my stomach-my swollen stomach-and kissing me there as well. Or not me, but our child.  


The sound of wings pulled me from the vision, and I pressed my hand against my stomach, still able to feel the heat of his kiss from the vision.  


Azriel could fly as silent as the shadows around him, but he'd always make noise around me as if afraid to startle me. The Illaryian shadowsinger moved to my side, the musky scent of earth and Azriel joining the flowers and salt. If there were a flower that smelled of Azriel, I'd dedicate an entire garden just to them.  


"Feyre said Lucien came bay the house and that you two spoke."  


His voice was always so even and soft. He filled my peripheral vision, the sapphire blue of his Siphons so bold against the pastel of my gown. Instead of answering, though, I needed to ask him a question. I wasn't afraid of the answer, not anymore.  


"Why are you in love with Mor?"  


He stilled even further beside me, not even appearing to breath. I let him have the time he needed, though, because I had the hope that my vision gave me. I would not fear when I had strength given to me by such beauty.  


He released a breath at last and I bit back the smile at the small sign of how I'd thrown him off.  


"I think I loved her because I knew it was safe," he answered at last, still staring out at the sea with me. "You know my past, Elain. And Mor was someone I could never have--would never have. So I told myself I could love her more than a friend because she'd never break my heart. Not really, at least. Truthfully, I don't think I was actually ever in love with her."  


"When I was a child, I dreamt of being swept off my feet by my soul mate, my one true love," I said in reply. "I think that's why I never wanted to bond with Lucien. Because he'd had so many chances to sweep me off my feet when I needed him and he was never there."  


Azriel was so tense beside me even his shadows had frozen. I bent down and plucked the purple flower in front of me, the last one to retain its petals in the rest of its stems. Finally I turned to him, his eyes snapping to me, his entire face blank as a stone. I wondered if his heart had stilled or if it raced as fast as my own did. I grabbed his hand--beautiful despite the scars, or maybe even because of them, and set the flower in his palm before I met his eyes once more.  


"But you were."  


He swallowed, his fingers beginning to curl around the flower but he stopped himself, even though I still held his hand in both of mine.  


"We broke the bond, Azriel," I breathed out. "We both wanted to break the bond. He's fallen in love with another female."  


He stared down at the flower cupped in his palm. Mother, would the male say something? Or would I have to do this for us? Could I be that strong? The wind pulled at my gown, the gauzy material floating on the breeze as gold and brown leaves drifted by us and still I waited.  


"And you, Elain?" His voice was rough, like low thunder, and nearly a growl. It filled me with the same bubbles and butterflies from earlier.  


That time, I found a kernel of brashness I shared with my sisters. I stepped up to him, moving one hand to his shoulder. He was so much taller than me, even as I rose on my toes. I wouldn't be able to kiss him unless he lowered his mouth to mine. Our gazes never broke, and I could feel the red flush as it warmed my cheeks and spread down my neck to my chest.  


"You've swept me off my feet, Azriel," I whispered, dropping my gaze to his lips before meeting those dark eyes again. They had been stone, but now they were fire. "You're my choice. If you'll have me."  


Azriel crushed my lips with his own, dropping the flower without care, he pulled me against him and held the back of my head to him with the other. I gripped his leathers with both hands, reveling in his furious, demanding kiss. I gave him everything, and he took it, but he gave me everything too. He always had, without ever expecting anything in return.  


Our kisses slowed, the physical need to breath pulling us apart last. He rested his forehead against mine, his breath coming in ragged pants, like my own. I realized it wasn't the sun setting which dimmed the light around us, but that in our intensity, he'd wrapped his wings around us.  


"Elain."  


He made my name sound so perfect, so full of life, of desire. But I could see the conflict in his eyes and before he could continue, I cut him off.  


"Don't you dare say you aren't worthy of me," I whispered fiercely. "And don't think that I broke the bond just for you. I did that for me. But I love you, Azriel. I love you so much. I'm nothing like who your mate should be. I'm not a warrior or a fighter. I'm not strong like that and I never will be--"  


This time he interrupted me, but with a kiss even more intense than the one before. Though he pulled back moments after it began to my dismay.  


"Don't you dare say you aren't strong, Elain." His tone brooked no argument. "You are one of the strongest people I know. You have been through terrible, horrible things but you've held on to your gentle heart. You put it back together and didn't let it cover in hard scar tissue. I love your gentleness, Elain. Being with you--your gentleness isn't hurt by my sharp edges. Your gentleness soothes them, soothes me, and lets me rest. You protect me."  


Tears burned my eyes as he spoke. He cupped my face, so gentle with his strength.  


"I'm in love with you Elain," he said, his tone resolute.  


I smiled at him, even brighter than I'd smiled earlier. It was impossible to stem the joy I felt. The cauldron may have chosen Lucien as my mate, but my heart--my soul--me?  


I chose Azriel.


End file.
